Parenting Theory and Practice

Parenting Beliefs Part 1: A Bunch of Sources

By occasional if not popular request, I’m compiling a summary of my parenting beliefs. This is Part 1, my favorite sources.

The most appropriate label for my parenting by far is Radical Unschooling. It’s a ~90% fit. When I first read about Radical Unschooling, I was turned off by some parts it, but that was mostly because I was confused about what they were saying.

I’ll start by linking to my favorite sources.

Dayna Martin uses that label and she is NOT a good source. (http://sandradodd.com/problems/daynamartin/)

Here are a few websites I trust:

http://sandradodd.com/unschooling (Sandra Dodd has compiled a bunch of writing, not just her own.) http://www.joyfullyrejoycing.com http://livingjoyfully.ca

And two podcasts:

http://unschoolingsupport.com http://livingjoyfully.ca/podcast-2/

There are a few support groups. Sandra Dodd runs the Always Learning Yahoo group and the Radical Unschooling Facebook group. Those can both be incredibly useful, but she has a very particular style that can be triggering and is probably sometimes harmful. To her credit, she explicitly warns people about what she’s up to. If you end up joining either list and find yourself triggered, drop a line and I’d be happy to chat. Unschooling Mom2Mom on Facebook is a safer bet that also has good material.

Peter Gray has good unschooling-adjacent material, but he doesn’t quite get the thing.

John Holt is good, and I feel like a fraud for not having read much of his stuff.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen is at least 80% good. I think the advice is solid, but the context is a little off.

I also like Nonviolent Communication (and found it personally transformative), but I think it’s easy to get wrong messages from the book and hard to get my favorite messages. So, I’m not sure I recommend it.

I love Karen Pryor’s books. I think it’s very easy to get too caught up in behaviorism, but that they’re worth reading away.

Alfie Kohn drives me crazy because I think he’s intellectually dishonest and overly invested in the school system, but he makes some good points. (But also read this and appreciate that he’s straw-manning behaviorism http://www.clickersolutions.com/wordpress/alfie-kohn/)

I like Taking Children Seriously, but Sandra Dodd has made the point that it’s probably not helpful to get overly caught with freedom and coercion per se, and I think she’s probably right.

Excellent dog trainer Kay Laurence makes the point that you can think of a field as having three layers: mechanics, values, and science. And as you get clear on your values (an ongoing exploratory process), it’s possible to learn mechanics and science from many sources, even ones that don’t fit your philosophy.

With that, here are some more books with very brief notes. I didn’t add links yet, though if I feel up to it later I’ll go back and do so. It’s been a while since I read these, and my notes are filtered through my not-very-detail-oriented memory.

Infant Potty Basics: With or Without Diapers I like elimination communication (which is when you introduce babies to the idea of using a potty in addition to a diaper). It’s not that hard to figure out the basics from googling, and this book has good info. EC is also a thing that babies can do that lots of authorities say a baby can’t do.

The Whole-Brain Child I liked it when I read it. In some ways it’s more teach-y than I like. But it’s a good framework for understanding emotional regulation.

Plenty in Life is Free This is a dog training book, but it’s about how to influence behavior without being controlling. It’s not a book to be taken literally with kids, but I like the overall message.

The Wonder Weeks I like how it talks about what your baby might be learning around which week, including some pretty important meta stuff.

The Baby Signing Bible I think it makes sense to use some signs with babies. I don’t particularly recommend this book over other books.

Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion I think understanding the nuts and bolts of influence is important for human relationships in general. I think most people get this stuff intuitively, but that it helps to have an explicit model. (Note: I think manipulating kids is basically bad.)

6 Love Languages of Children I only skimmed this, but I like the idea. Make children feel loved in a bunch of different ways so they get the message for sure.

The Art of Learning This was one of the first books I read that gave me a real window into how learning looks under the hood. It’s an engaging read, and there’s even a little bit of explicit parenting advice IIRC.

Boomeritis Probably the weirdest book on the list, but I wanted to include it. I haven’t read much developmental psychology, but I do find thinking about spiral dynamics (Ken Wilbur’s developmental model) useful for parenting. A different Ken Wilbur book may well be better, but this is the one I’ve read.

Breastfeeding Made Simple A pretty basic, useful book about breastfeeding.

The Continuum Concept Lots of pre/trans fallacy (see Ken Wilbur) in this book, but still an interesting read about some advantages of more primitive parenting.

Dear Parent: Caring for Infants with Respect Dr. Montessori’s Own Handbook I’ll lump these together and say that Magda Gerber and Maria Montessori were both insightful about kids. I wouldn’t guruize them, but they make some good points.

Good Calories, Bad Calories I’m not sure it’s really reasonable to include this as a parenting book. It’s long, and it’s about nutrition. I’m mentioning it because it’s a striking example of just how wrong official recommendations can be. And public recommendations can be out of step with the science in all relevant sub-fields. The analogy is to education.

Harmful to Minors: The Perils of Protecting Children from Sex This book had a lot of info about what not to do, and not as much as I wanted about what to do. But it seemed like a good perspective. I recently referenced it.

Impro Everyone who reads it seems to agree this is an awesome book. It’s about improvisation, but it’s also about minds, learning, and the human condition. Very relevant to unschooling (and even references John Holt).

The Inner Game of Tennis Good book about natural learning. I thought it didn’t give the conscious mind enough respect, but I liked it anyway.

It’s OK Not to Share Not just about sharing, all pretty solid advice IMO. I felt happy reviewing the table of contents just now :-). A bit of a school-ish focus because the author is connected to a preschool.

Free Range Kids Reasons to be less freaked out about kids doing stuff on their own. If you’re already convinced that kids should be given more freedom it may not have much to add.

Monsters and Magical Sticks: There’s No Such Thing as Hypnosis Much of this book isn’t super relevant to parenting, but it has some chilling examples of parents giving their kids limiting beliefs.

The No-Cry Sleep Solution I’m not really in love with this book. And my anecdotes about how helpful it really is for parents who want to sleep train without doing CIO are mixed. But I’m including it anyway.

NurtureShock Some cool science here. Its studies may not replicate, so take it with a grain of salt. But I liked the chapter on language, and I liked the part about how kids in school don’t get enough sleep.

The Nurture Assumption Definitely worth a read. This isn’t really the book about how you can’t affect your kids’ outcomes, this is more the book about the power of shared environment. Lots of twin studies.

Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids This book looks at the same twin studies and does make the claim that parenting doesn’t matter much.

The Other Baby Book I’ve started being a bit annoyed with the “natural” label for parenting. The Environment of Evolutionary Adaptedness is relevant to look at, but sometimes we can do better than “natural”. Still, this is a great book that basically does align with my values about how to treat babies.

Free to Learn (The Peter Grey one, though the Pam Larrichia one is good too) Some good science-y stuff about play. I don’t think he exactly gets unschooling, but he gets a big important piece.

Parenting from the Inside Out Good book about the psychological journey of being a parent. Some stuff about attachment theory, about how being a parent triggers our own childhood stuff.

Parenting Without Borders A reminder that lots of stuff we probably assume is universal isn’t. Not sure how many specific lessons I got otherwise.

Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures This is a book with cartoons. IMO it’s really hard for parenting humor not to get mean-spirited, but I think this book does a good job. (Author is an unschooler :-).)

The Philosophical Baby If you want a little science-y stuff about what’s going on in baby brains.

Playful Parenting This has some good concrete suggestions, e.g. that kids love role-reversal play where the grown up is the less powerful one. And it points out that laughing means learning.

Positive Discipline I almost didn’t put this on the list. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen is better. And it doesn’t really fit my philosophy. Still, you could do a lot worse and it has some examples that may be of interest.

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves I had forgotten about this book, but I really like it! It has a lot of good advice about how to relate to kids.

The Scientist in the Crib This is another science-y one about what’s going on in babies’ heads.

Siblings Without Rivalry The same authors as How to Talk So Kids Will Listen but about sibling stuff. It’s good. Even if you plan to have only one child it’s worth a read.

Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman Good stuff about emotions and attachment theory.

Unconditional Parenting This is the only Alfie Kohn book I’ve read in full. As I said, he drives me crazy. But he also says some things well.

Don’t Shoot the Dog and Reaching the Animal Mind I love Karen Pryor, even if behaviorism is often a problematic paradigm for relationships we should understand the nuts and bolts anyway. And I think she gets it. Lovely stories about animals.

Moving, Learning, and Our Dog

I’ve heard about how moving is good for learning. I believe it. And recently, Argos confirmed it!

Ever since I got Argos as a puppy, I’ve been spinning my wheels about how to get him to respond to my cues when we’re outside taking a walk. One thing that made training tricky was that Argos finds it pretty stressful to be on the leash, and stress is bad for learning. (I got him a head halter, which seems to be the least bad solution.)

But recently, I found a nearby cul-de-sac thing that’s far enough from the street that I feel comfortable doing a little off-leash training with him. 

Wow, has he been learning faster. He can do a trick or whatever, and then he can run around at his own pace for a few minutes and sniff. I knew that moving and sniffing help him process information, but watching him it’s just *so obvious*. I think he’s learning at least 10x faster. 

I’ve only taken him to this spot to train for a few <10min training sessions so far, so the jury’s still out about what we can work up to and whether it will generalize to the rest of the outdoors, but I’m glad to have a new strategy that seems to be helping a lot.

I’ll aim to share more updates as they come in.

And naturally the leash reminds me of school. I’m not a very gross-motor-focused person. I was the kid who wanted to get to nursery school late so we could miss the part where we played outside. And I remember being the only one in kindergarten who voted to sit inside and have the teacher read us a book instead of going out to play. I like squirming and fidgeting, but I managed to do that while sitting in my chair at school. So I don’t think it mattered much in my case. But for a lot of kids it’s a huge problem not to be able to run around when they’re processing new information!

And Argos is totally that kind of dog.

6 months of Lydia and Zeke

Having two kids has been wonderful, but hard to blog about! I do think I’ve learned some important stuff by now, and I wanted to at least try to get some of it in writing.

I’ll start with an overview of current life, and then try to get to overall philosophy. 

Sleep

Nighttime sleep is what it is. I’m good at going back to sleep when I’m woken up at night, and the kids are both still in the bed, so I’m not very concerned about it. I have no idea how much Zeke nurses at night. I do know he pees a bunch more at night than Lydia ever did, and if I don’t take him to the potty at all in the middle of the night we usually go through 4 or 5 wet diapers. As far as I can tell, he always signals in his sleep before he has to pee, but he isn’t always happy to be taken to the potty, so I sometimes take him and sometimes don’t. Lydia nurses maybe once or twice, most nights. I think there are probably nights where she doesn’t nurse at all. (She hasn’t peed at night in ages and ages.)

I do sometimes wish I could leave Zeke unattended on the bed for naps, but so far it mostly doesn’t work. My gut has been telling me that pushing the issue would be an exercise in frustration, so I haven’t. I typically wear him for naps, sit down, and try not to get up unless Lydia really needs something.

Nursing

Zeke fits the stories I’ve heard about tandem-nursing babies. He does sometimes nurse for comfort, but less than Lydia did. Lydia still nurses a lot, but is also pretty accepting when I say no or cut her off. She definitely logs more daytime nursing hours than Zeke does. I haven’t timed it, but it doesn’t seem close.

Solids

We just started food around a week ago, and he likes it. It only took him a few days for him to be obviously swallowing some of it. We’re roughly doing baby-led warning again, but he’s not a very skilled (or motivated) sitter yet. So we don’t spend much time eating at the table, and I end up putting food in his mouth. No purees though.

EC

EC is basically good, but weird. Zeke and I feel pretty in sync. I catch a lot of pees, and he’s even starting to use the potty sign a tiny bit. And we’re relaxed about the whole process. But we miss a lot of poops! Maybe more than half! He totally knows enough to poop on purpose when I hold him over, but his “cue” for a big poop is often getting really quiet, and I usually miss it. Plus, we just started solid food, so everything is out of whack anyway.

He’s also just barely at the point where he can sit on little the potty himself, and it’s not really independent yet. 

Potty

Lydia, on the other hand, has been super reliable with potty stuff. I trust her a lot, because accidents are very rare. I’ve even stopped prompting her in the morning. And she’ll often hang out for more than half an hour before peeing.

I haven’t worn Lydia in a wrap (or other carrier) in months, which makes me a little sad when I really reflect on it :-(. Parents of older kids often point out that often we don’t ever notice when it’s the last time we do something. 

Motor Skills

Zeke is a fast army crawler. He’s been some degree of mobile for almost two months, but it’s been a pretty smooth trajectory. As of the last few days, he’s very into pulling up on various objects. Most of our tables are still a little tall for him to get up independently, but we have a meditation cushion and a handful of toys that are just the right height. The lowest step of our staircase works for him too. No cruising yet, but can sometimes stand supported by just one hand, so he’s on path to get there before too long.

Babywearing

But he’s still spending around half his walking time in the wrap. When he’s down on his own, the frustrations of life build up, and wrapping him on and walking around doing something is the most reliable way to get him calm again. I’m also an increasingly competent back wrapper. I never did it much with Lydia, but he likes it, and it’s super useful for some activities. He’s definitely a grabber while I cook, to the point where it’s not very safe tor him to do it with him wrapped on my front.

Communication

Zeke is also babbling a ton, with various different consonants. He even sometimes says things that remind me a lot of words, but never in a context where it seems like he means the thing. He also has a few gestures and signs under vaguely conscious control afaict. He waves, makes the dog sign, the and the potty sign. I think he does have a slight idea of what each one means, but he uses them plenty out of context too. 

Lydia has entered a phase of asking tons of “why” questions, and so far it’s awesome. I might get tired of it eventually, but for now I’m a big fan.

Sibling fun

Lydia and Zeke are still getting along well. Lydia does sometimes complain that “Zeke is spoiling my game!” when she has a pretty specific setup with her toys, and he stars grabbing everything. But other times she’s extremely accommodating of the same behavior. She also likes him and thinks he’s really cute, and she can be very physically affectionate. She has mostly adjusted to my policy of not touching him when he’s sleeping…

Dog

Lydia has also been playing with Argos in more and more involved ways lately. In particular, she’s a fan of hiding food for him, which I also find pretty endlessly entertaining. Zeke likes him a lot too, but is still a bit of a fur-grabber. Argos is an extremely friendly dog who gives him lots of baby license, but I still don’t want to subject him to that treatment. (I remember working on open-handed petting with Lydia, but she was probably twice as old when it started to click with her.)

Me

I’ve been doing okay, and also facing that I’m kind of burned out. Zeke and I have been heading out to see my friends pretty regularly, though I also realize he’s nearing the end of the uberportable stage and it’s already the case that he doesn’t spend all that much time napping. Just in the last week we’ve been work on hiring someone to help around the house more, but I’ll hold off on saying much there for now. It’s definitely hard to clean and cook anything with a newborn and toddler. If I had unlimited physical energy, I could do more, but even then it wouldn’t be easy.

Philosophy/Musings

As expected, over time I have updated in favor of trusting development. My friends told me it would happen :-).

With Lydia, I was very interested in all the details of what she was learning, and I spent more time trying to nudge things in one direction or the other. Partly because I cared about the outcome and partly to get a better sense of what’s going on. 

With Zeke, I much more strongly have the sense that there are various layers of things happening, and that what I see is just layer peeking out. And that he’s learning patterns even when his behavior reflect it yet. 

I’m more relaxed, but I’m also just paying attention to different stuff. Everything I’m exposing him to seems to matter on some level. I’m no longer assuming that I care the most about is happening at the conscious level. 

I remember wondering if I would think of crying babies differently once I had more kids. I think I understand cries a bit better, mostly because I’ve seen what they morph into over time. Newborn cries didn’t feel any less urgent this time around, and fear and pain cries always feel pretty urgent to me too. 

With Lydia, I was confused about how to respond to frustration. With Zeke, it feels very natural to interrupt him as I see he’s getting more frustrated and move to something else. My default perspective has shifted away from freedom and consent, and I’m no longer very inclined to ask myself what he wants to do in that situation. (Freedom and consent still seem really important to me when they seem important to the kid. I ask Lydia before helping with whatever she’s doing. But they don’t seem important per se to Zeke at this age.)

Overall, I guess I’m less *worried* about baby cries, because I feel more confident that I know what to do with them. But I think I’m probably at least as responsive. Unless something urgent is going on with Lydia, but even then I try.

Time is still short, but I’ll try to post more often than I have been, since I want to record what’s been happening with my kids and in my head.